fall to rise

i lost you suddenly like an avalanche
crushing a top hill only to rest as tiny droplets of water

toppling down from a giant to an ant suddenly

showed me why it was incidental that i should live like this

i say, this was fall to rise but i remained in pieces

there was never a prophecy

existing in our hearts

and yet we found some undeclared words

that ran across the veins of our arms when we held each other

but still we wait the fulfillment of this prophecy to see if love

could be ours beyond reason

and as tragic as it is, any scars we have

we would have mended in a tryst that involved celestial purity

you say that there is hot ash underneath your skin

and that unless you rip yourself fully open

there will be no colours here only your blood

and traces of these desires that remain as a rapid as

the debris of a war in which we collapsed when we held our weapons

yet you know, i would plant myself beside you

if i believed that at some point i’ll grow branches that will touch you

to bring you closer if you only stop trying to fight

they tell you to be a fighter but i want to witness you fall in love

with the brutal force you cripple everyone else with

i find no respite anymore in my state of imbalance

because i keep losing you and its scaring me

you insist that if it were up to you

you would be alone for the rest of your life

if only you had a way to carve your heart out of your body

i explain, that it is the only thing that matters

the gush pumping, the interlocking speed we breathe with

and even when you prove that you could exist without me

i find it hard to distinguish if i am terrified or simply beyond repair

because loving you has been like hiding in the trenches of war

i grew up knowing well how hard it easy to have anything that i desired
and i learnt how to let many things go

until it reached a point i felt that i was letting my life go too

i try to make you understand that you let me in once

then pushed me away as if i wasn’t meant to feel the rest of you

but i sit here overlooking a torn building that looks like me

the emptiness, the ugliness and all the rotten parts of creatures

that lie inside it resemble me

i mean i have tried so hard to appear as anything else

but i keep running in circles that resemble your eyeballs

i mean to tell you there is an empty field ahead

and i know we don’t have the plan

and maybe we aren’t good builders as much as we think

the tools in our hands are feeble yet we want to dig the foundation

and maybe this is how we are always intimidated by the realization we could be something

there could be a home out there if we only try to build it

you say we have our own issues and that it’s easier if we erected a tent
so that we can fight over who gets the lion share of the blanket

when the night unleashes more cold at 3 a.m.

and that is when we’ll all be awake and when we decide who between us
is more selfish, then we’d try touch each other more

and the way we breathe will resemble the seashells

ideally, we have always wanted to be what the sea could be

a magnificent beauty

but you are weak, weak for yourself

weak for me, weak for everything that you know

you pity yourself and i am torn apart by the compromise i have to give

each single day

you are now convinced that weakness was the earth’s gift to you

you go forever, away and away

like a slingshot that has acquired a target

but i still see you visibly enough to know that you are in pain

and desire keeps you laughing at how human you could possibly be

everything has gone wrong even though i carry you in every part of me

we will never be safe anywhere we are

(C) Eddy Ongili 2015


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